Welcome to my blog called My Life in a Nutshell. At least for now anyway. I am just starting this blog and was not sure where I would be going with it when it starts rolling. This is to just get the feel of starting it. I am an older woman with a few extra pounds who has been ever so unlucky in the romance department. I would not consider myself an ugly person physically but I do not think I am beautiful nor cute by any means either. I guess you can say this is going to be my way to reach out and see who may have the same issues as I do and if there is anyone I can help by letting them know they are not alone.
My first blog post is about people’s perspectives and the damage that can be done without thought for another human being. I also want to point out that this is my perspective and may not be his perspective on what happened. My most recent romance fail was a lost love of my youth. For some unknown reason, I cannot be mad at him. I have tried to hate him as it would probably be easier for me if I did. Because then I could walk away without one glance back. I would not have this feeling of betrayal and hurt.
My heart is broken. My faith is betrayed. But most of all my soul is empty from the loss of someone important to me for the last 4 years. You were here every day with a call, text, or visit of some kind. I have for the last 2 months had to try and figure out what I did to make you walk away. I still have not figured it out so there is a loss of a friend that I had deep feelings for without a reason as to why that loss happened.
I miss my friend and confidant with my whole being but I will have to learn to live with that loss in my life as I will never know the real reason for what was done. If he came back tomorrow would he tell me the truth or his truth as he sees it. Simply put with millions of people in this world there are just as many truths. Just because two people see things differently does not mean they are wrong it just means they are different people. Maybe this world needs a little more understanding on the difference of people in this world.
When we were younger, I walked away from him because I knew that with as much as I cared for him, he would have the power to make or break me. I was young and very scared of being that in love with someone. We had a lack of communication between us without other people involved. Suffice it to say that we made many mistakes that young people do. Fast forward to a few years ago. he sought me out on Facebook. Yes, I know … cliché, right?! He contacted me thinking I had married into the family somehow as his aunt and I are close friends almost to the point of being sisters. But that tale is for another post. After the initial finding out of what he wanted, we began to talk and started what I thought was closing a door on past bad judgements. I am starting to realize I was what a male friend of mine calls a Fall Back Girl.
A fall back person is that one person who falls for it every time you come around and helps you stand again and as soon as you can step on your own she/he is no longer an asset to your life. But you know that no matter how you leave it with them they will always be there for you. Wake up people! Some people like for us to be there to hold their hand when no one else will. And they give you all you want to hear of how they will never forget you and won’t drop you like a snot rag in flu season. You know they will cause that is what they have done every time that they have come around.
They may have done it one time or 20. It does not matter they are the one person that was your greatest hello, saddest goodbye and biggest what if in your life. So, you accept what they say at face value and fall right back into it with them only to be left high and dry without so much as an explanation why. And they seem to be unaffected by your presence being gone. Yet you think about them daily and the empty spot they left in your world will never seem to fill in. You want to hate them but you can’t because you truly do love them and obviously, they were not happy with you so you can not begrudge them trying elsewhere. But where do you look for healing. With no closure and no solid ending as they are not talking to you not even with a common curtesy on holidays to reply and say ty to well wishes. They have left you hanging to know that you will be there for them when they stumble again.
Let me tell you something people we deserve better than that! Our best is not only good enough for their worst but it is good enough for their best times. It is them who is not good enough for us. We can be good people or bad but we give our all for those people who either have a fear of true commitment to someone who can get that close to us or they just use you for their own improvement. I personally would hate to think they do it sometimes for revenge. But as the ex says he has always gotten revenge on his exes for what they did to him. I wonder how did it feel taking 4 years to pull someone in and have them help you through hard times knowing it was all for you to hurt them in the end. If it makes you feel better about yourself then more power to you! Personally, I would not feel great about myself nor my beliefs as I believe we are our own deeds. Please, think again before you come back as we both know you will, you always have before. Do you really need revenge that badly that you need to hurt someone else for your own pleasure? Do you truly need the help you know you can get from the fall back person? And if so, how will you end it once it began so that you will not hurt them again like the last time or the time before?!
We must start to look at our actions as they affect others in our worlds. We are a pebble in this pond of life and when we hit the surface we tend to ripple out to others as time goes on. But what one person perceives as a helping hand another may perceive it as a slap to the face. People are different for a reason should we all be the same only to never deviate from the rest wouldn’t that just be boring?! We all go to Burger joint and no one goes to Caramel Hut. Life would be boring beyond measure. We have different attitudes, looks, beliefs, likes, loves, and yes even different perspectives. We see life as children when we are young. Then as rebellious teenagers. Then as young adults that nothing can happen to. And when we become parents our perspective is renewed in the eyes of a child. And as we get older we start to see through our parent’s eyes. And the famous saying of if I only knew then what I know now pops into my head. They also say that hind sight is 20/20 however, I believe it may be a tad bit imperfect any way as our memories are our own and as I said before no two people see things the same way. But isn’t that what makes us similar … We are all little fish in this huge pond with different perspectives.
I am finished rambling for the day I hope you have a wonderful weekend.